I decided to pen down some thoughts, in brief points.. before they are all lost and forgotten in Thailand.
Pre-trip camp:
A rush back from a holiday in Hanoi, super unprepared.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Of all the mission trips I've been, I knew this was the one I was the least prepared for.. in every sense of the word.
If God was going to use me, it would have been NOTHING to do with me. I do not represent Christ well, not a single bit.
I know I didn't want to be there, not being familiar with everyone.. yet i knew it was important because then I could update myself and get the last minute preparation I desperately needed.
2 July Monday:
First day, first school, first match.
Purpose of trip forgotten.
Only concentrated on being friendly, playing my best.. being an active guest.
During debrief at night, I realized that this must be what it is like to be on OCIP... to share the love among men only, but forgetting the love of God, which is the foundation of it all.
Free time at night; and spent it foolishly.
3 July Tuesday:
Set off the next day with the purpose in mind.
Shared when I can, and it was good!
It was really helpful that the students like me (or my smile?!), and that their English was good enough for me to understand and be understood.
Managed to talk to an English teacher, chatted about Buddhism and Christianity. Sadly, I couldn't continue with the complete story of Dad, and also, there was not enough time.
But I guess the seed was planted.
It felt good, being able to share about Christ.
I wonder what God thinks, given my current state of heart.
4 July Wednesday:
Was somehow very tired this day. It was mass English lesson, and the kids weren't as enthusiastic, affecting my own mood.
Struggled with trying to make friends and interact, especially when it was difficult to converse.
Don't think I played well during the match either..
I just feel lousy at soccer.
Post-game interaction was horrible. Just sitting there, unable to converse due to the language barrier...
and I couldn't help but feel lousy.
Don't want to be just a Pretty Face - I was there to use soccer as a means to share the Gospel.. but yet, I suck so terribly at it..
We didn't go for the prayer meeting at night as planned, instead, we had Buddy-time.
Night out with my roommate - it was OK.
OK is an understatement - it could have been better; I suck at handling my emotions when it comes to things unplanned.
5 July Thursday:
Last school - I enjoyed teaching English to them.
The students were really joyous.
Match was a tough fight, with mistakes on our side.
Again, I felt lousy. I didn't like being shouted at for stuff I think I didn't do wrong.
Who doesn't? But then again.. my inferiority kicks in every time.
Had bible study with the Thai translators and friends..
They are really hospitable; so much to learn from the Thais.
Every school gave us a grand welcome; treating us like Kings and Queens..
And all the way out to buying Mango Sticky Rice ESPECIALLY for us because we said we liked it.
6 July Friday:
Day to the church childcare.
Think I was too drained, and so not in mood to interact with the little kids.
Must have been a very bad example of a kind, caring person...
Off to the resort to prepare for the Evangelistic and Sports Camp.
Felt that we weren't prepared.. At least on my part, I didn't think we prayed much for it.
And yet... God still works.
I "killed" myself with biscuits and longan overdose.
But anyhow, the students seemed to be enjoying themselves with the games.
Thank God for enthusiasm and spontaneity of the entire team
7 July Saturday:
Managed to interact more with my team Dragonball.
There was even time for sharing.
And that's when I noticed Dear, who was open to Christ.
Asking how to talk to God, how to hear Him.
After ice-cream, I asked her if she would like to believe and receive Christ.
She said yes.
I didn't do anything much, I just asked.
God's kingdom still advances no matter what. It is just whether I want to be part of it or not.
Because it is not my doing at all.
My walk with God is in ruins, yet he let me be the one to lead Dear in praying to receive God.
What a sinner am I.
8 July Sunday:
Church service.
It was 3 months since I attended Church, a service like that.
During worship/singing, I couldn't stop crying. As usual..
But I am nothing but broken.
Sermon was on thoughts.. my thoughts versus the thoughts of God..
It really hits home.
Yet all these can't just be head knowledge..
I guess this trip is really different from the rest. And I am back here, somehow feeling unchanged.
I am figuring out what's wrong... and maybe the answer is as simple as it is.
I can't love with nothing in me.
I need to fall in love with Christ, all over again.
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