Hate how I always seem to look at the pessimistic side of things. Or try to find opportunities to mess up.
But I am messed up already?
Crashed on Sunday.
I can't seem to forgive myself...
The cost, the inconvenience.. Nothing but more trouble to everything else already.
I feel like I let down my mom especially.
And I can seem to feel the blame on me by my brother, now that we have no car for a month.
But it's true, it is my fault.
If only..
So many "if only"s.
And I feel like restarting over.
I don't think my working environment or job (for now at least) is doing me any good.
I get so easily restless..
I just wait for time to pass so that the next day can come.
And when the next day comes, I can't wait for it to end so that the next day can come again.
And I just keep looking forward to the next day because the past is over and done with, and I can't seem to live with the present.
But when the future becomes present, it seems the same as the previous present, so I eagerly wait for the next future.. and then the cycle repeats.
Worst of all.. I'm starting to dream dangerous dreams.
Where's the power of the Cross in my life?
Friday, September 14, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
It's not what you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.
Finally got to borrow Batman Begins from VideoEzy over the weekend.
So the quote is from the movie, haha.
Anyhow, today's my 4th day of work!
I still feel like I started work too late, not knowing so many things which others have already, and also in terms of getting used to working life.
Even though I do have my WHOLE LIFETIME (or at least the next 30 plus plus years) to be working.
Hah.
But I don't feel like I'm working either - it's more like I'm learning!
So many things to learn; but I am not complaining. I actually enjoy learning.. Having things to do; being constructive? Hopefully, I can apply what I am learning well...
It's a conflicting feeling though, I feel overwhelmed that there's so much to learn and know, especially because I need to catch up quite a bit in what everyone else kinda knows already (not comparing to the senior engineers even, but all the other trainees who entered way before me).. and also having to gel all the bits and pieces of information that I am getting from everywhere.
And I still fear not being able to sleep.
Hahaha.
Training tomorrow - will I be able to sleep after that? Will my mind be too active? Will my body be too restless? Will I be too hungry? Will I be too full?
And on another note... this morning... hmm. nevermind. Hahaha.
I wonder why I still blog.
So the quote is from the movie, haha.
Anyhow, today's my 4th day of work!
I still feel like I started work too late, not knowing so many things which others have already, and also in terms of getting used to working life.
Even though I do have my WHOLE LIFETIME (or at least the next 30 plus plus years) to be working.
Hah.
But I don't feel like I'm working either - it's more like I'm learning!
So many things to learn; but I am not complaining. I actually enjoy learning.. Having things to do; being constructive? Hopefully, I can apply what I am learning well...
It's a conflicting feeling though, I feel overwhelmed that there's so much to learn and know, especially because I need to catch up quite a bit in what everyone else kinda knows already (not comparing to the senior engineers even, but all the other trainees who entered way before me).. and also having to gel all the bits and pieces of information that I am getting from everywhere.
And I still fear not being able to sleep.
Hahaha.
Training tomorrow - will I be able to sleep after that? Will my mind be too active? Will my body be too restless? Will I be too hungry? Will I be too full?
And on another note... this morning... hmm. nevermind. Hahaha.
I wonder why I still blog.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
sleepless = eat ?
sigh.
can't sleep. is it from training at night?
1 pear.
1 cup of vitasoy.
2 slices of bread.
1 whole packet of dried cranberries/raisins.
1/2 packet of ritz biscuit.
1 orange
1 handful of mixed nuts.
very full now.
not helping.
:(
can't sleep. is it from training at night?
1 pear.
1 cup of vitasoy.
2 slices of bread.
1 whole packet of dried cranberries/raisins.
1/2 packet of ritz biscuit.
1 orange
1 handful of mixed nuts.
very full now.
not helping.
:(
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Comfort in Brokenness
His comfort doesn't mean the tears will stop falling, or that I will stop bleeding.
His comfort doesn't mean the pain will disappear.
But His comfort allows be to comfort others.
Brokenness allows for ministry.
And in my pain, it can only mean I cannot rely on myself.
It's an option: Me, or the God who has the power.
Dear God,
I choose You.
Be part of my pain.
In my brokenness, may my view of You no longer be distorted.
I pray.
His comfort doesn't mean the pain will disappear.
But His comfort allows be to comfort others.
Brokenness allows for ministry.
And in my pain, it can only mean I cannot rely on myself.
It's an option: Me, or the God who has the power.
Dear God,
I choose You.
Be part of my pain.
In my brokenness, may my view of You no longer be distorted.
I pray.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Chiang Mai with Team AGAPE; July 2012
I decided to pen down some thoughts, in brief points.. before they are all lost and forgotten in Thailand.
Pre-trip camp:
A rush back from a holiday in Hanoi, super unprepared.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Of all the mission trips I've been, I knew this was the one I was the least prepared for.. in every sense of the word.
If God was going to use me, it would have been NOTHING to do with me. I do not represent Christ well, not a single bit.
I know I didn't want to be there, not being familiar with everyone.. yet i knew it was important because then I could update myself and get the last minute preparation I desperately needed.
2 July Monday:
First day, first school, first match.
Purpose of trip forgotten.
Only concentrated on being friendly, playing my best.. being an active guest.
During debrief at night, I realized that this must be what it is like to be on OCIP... to share the love among men only, but forgetting the love of God, which is the foundation of it all.
Free time at night; and spent it foolishly.
3 July Tuesday:
Set off the next day with the purpose in mind.
Shared when I can, and it was good!
It was really helpful that the students like me (or my smile?!), and that their English was good enough for me to understand and be understood.
Managed to talk to an English teacher, chatted about Buddhism and Christianity. Sadly, I couldn't continue with the complete story of Dad, and also, there was not enough time.
But I guess the seed was planted.
It felt good, being able to share about Christ.
I wonder what God thinks, given my current state of heart.
4 July Wednesday:
Was somehow very tired this day. It was mass English lesson, and the kids weren't as enthusiastic, affecting my own mood.
Struggled with trying to make friends and interact, especially when it was difficult to converse.
Don't think I played well during the match either..
I just feel lousy at soccer.
Post-game interaction was horrible. Just sitting there, unable to converse due to the language barrier...
and I couldn't help but feel lousy.
Don't want to be just a Pretty Face - I was there to use soccer as a means to share the Gospel.. but yet, I suck so terribly at it..
We didn't go for the prayer meeting at night as planned, instead, we had Buddy-time.
Night out with my roommate - it was OK.
OK is an understatement - it could have been better; I suck at handling my emotions when it comes to things unplanned.
5 July Thursday:
Last school - I enjoyed teaching English to them.
The students were really joyous.
Match was a tough fight, with mistakes on our side.
Again, I felt lousy. I didn't like being shouted at for stuff I think I didn't do wrong.
Who doesn't? But then again.. my inferiority kicks in every time.
Had bible study with the Thai translators and friends..
They are really hospitable; so much to learn from the Thais.
Every school gave us a grand welcome; treating us like Kings and Queens..
And all the way out to buying Mango Sticky Rice ESPECIALLY for us because we said we liked it.
6 July Friday:
Day to the church childcare.
Think I was too drained, and so not in mood to interact with the little kids.
Must have been a very bad example of a kind, caring person...
Off to the resort to prepare for the Evangelistic and Sports Camp.
Felt that we weren't prepared.. At least on my part, I didn't think we prayed much for it.
And yet... God still works.
I "killed" myself with biscuits and longan overdose.
But anyhow, the students seemed to be enjoying themselves with the games.
Thank God for enthusiasm and spontaneity of the entire team
7 July Saturday:
Managed to interact more with my team Dragonball.
There was even time for sharing.
And that's when I noticed Dear, who was open to Christ.
Asking how to talk to God, how to hear Him.
After ice-cream, I asked her if she would like to believe and receive Christ.
She said yes.
I didn't do anything much, I just asked.
God's kingdom still advances no matter what. It is just whether I want to be part of it or not.
Because it is not my doing at all.
My walk with God is in ruins, yet he let me be the one to lead Dear in praying to receive God.
What a sinner am I.
8 July Sunday:
Church service.
It was 3 months since I attended Church, a service like that.
During worship/singing, I couldn't stop crying. As usual..
But I am nothing but broken.
Sermon was on thoughts.. my thoughts versus the thoughts of God..
It really hits home.
Yet all these can't just be head knowledge..
I guess this trip is really different from the rest. And I am back here, somehow feeling unchanged.
I am figuring out what's wrong... and maybe the answer is as simple as it is.
I can't love with nothing in me.
I need to fall in love with Christ, all over again.
Pre-trip camp:
A rush back from a holiday in Hanoi, super unprepared.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Of all the mission trips I've been, I knew this was the one I was the least prepared for.. in every sense of the word.
If God was going to use me, it would have been NOTHING to do with me. I do not represent Christ well, not a single bit.
I know I didn't want to be there, not being familiar with everyone.. yet i knew it was important because then I could update myself and get the last minute preparation I desperately needed.
2 July Monday:
First day, first school, first match.
Purpose of trip forgotten.
Only concentrated on being friendly, playing my best.. being an active guest.
During debrief at night, I realized that this must be what it is like to be on OCIP... to share the love among men only, but forgetting the love of God, which is the foundation of it all.
Free time at night; and spent it foolishly.
3 July Tuesday:
Set off the next day with the purpose in mind.
Shared when I can, and it was good!
It was really helpful that the students like me (or my smile?!), and that their English was good enough for me to understand and be understood.
Managed to talk to an English teacher, chatted about Buddhism and Christianity. Sadly, I couldn't continue with the complete story of Dad, and also, there was not enough time.
But I guess the seed was planted.
It felt good, being able to share about Christ.
I wonder what God thinks, given my current state of heart.
4 July Wednesday:
Was somehow very tired this day. It was mass English lesson, and the kids weren't as enthusiastic, affecting my own mood.
Struggled with trying to make friends and interact, especially when it was difficult to converse.
Don't think I played well during the match either..
I just feel lousy at soccer.
Post-game interaction was horrible. Just sitting there, unable to converse due to the language barrier...
and I couldn't help but feel lousy.
Don't want to be just a Pretty Face - I was there to use soccer as a means to share the Gospel.. but yet, I suck so terribly at it..
We didn't go for the prayer meeting at night as planned, instead, we had Buddy-time.
Night out with my roommate - it was OK.
OK is an understatement - it could have been better; I suck at handling my emotions when it comes to things unplanned.
5 July Thursday:
Last school - I enjoyed teaching English to them.
The students were really joyous.
Match was a tough fight, with mistakes on our side.
Again, I felt lousy. I didn't like being shouted at for stuff I think I didn't do wrong.
Who doesn't? But then again.. my inferiority kicks in every time.
Had bible study with the Thai translators and friends..
They are really hospitable; so much to learn from the Thais.
Every school gave us a grand welcome; treating us like Kings and Queens..
And all the way out to buying Mango Sticky Rice ESPECIALLY for us because we said we liked it.
6 July Friday:
Day to the church childcare.
Think I was too drained, and so not in mood to interact with the little kids.
Must have been a very bad example of a kind, caring person...
Off to the resort to prepare for the Evangelistic and Sports Camp.
Felt that we weren't prepared.. At least on my part, I didn't think we prayed much for it.
And yet... God still works.
I "killed" myself with biscuits and longan overdose.
But anyhow, the students seemed to be enjoying themselves with the games.
Thank God for enthusiasm and spontaneity of the entire team
7 July Saturday:
Managed to interact more with my team Dragonball.
There was even time for sharing.
And that's when I noticed Dear, who was open to Christ.
Asking how to talk to God, how to hear Him.
After ice-cream, I asked her if she would like to believe and receive Christ.
She said yes.
I didn't do anything much, I just asked.
God's kingdom still advances no matter what. It is just whether I want to be part of it or not.
Because it is not my doing at all.
My walk with God is in ruins, yet he let me be the one to lead Dear in praying to receive God.
What a sinner am I.
8 July Sunday:
Church service.
It was 3 months since I attended Church, a service like that.
During worship/singing, I couldn't stop crying. As usual..
But I am nothing but broken.
Sermon was on thoughts.. my thoughts versus the thoughts of God..
It really hits home.
Yet all these can't just be head knowledge..
I guess this trip is really different from the rest. And I am back here, somehow feeling unchanged.
I am figuring out what's wrong... and maybe the answer is as simple as it is.
I can't love with nothing in me.
I need to fall in love with Christ, all over again.
To love You; all over again.
My holiday is coming to an end.
Since my last paper, I have done a million things, experienced a million things, felt a mixture of a million things... yet, I think I am unchanged..
I cannot wait for events to occur to hope that something within me will change.
I cannot rely on events, or external sources to hope for a change.
I must start from me.
I think, I need to fall in love with Christ, all over again.
// Second Chance by Hillsongs
You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life
Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
My life was changed
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin
So its with everything I am
I reach out for Your hand
The hope for change
The second chance Ive gained
On You I throw my life
Casting all my fears aside
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist
Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
Im now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love
So Ill wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faiths enough
To see mountains lift and move
And Ill wait upon You now
Dedicated to Your will
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails
Since my last paper, I have done a million things, experienced a million things, felt a mixture of a million things... yet, I think I am unchanged..
I cannot wait for events to occur to hope that something within me will change.
I cannot rely on events, or external sources to hope for a change.
I must start from me.
I think, I need to fall in love with Christ, all over again.
// Second Chance by Hillsongs
You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life
Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
My life was changed
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin
So its with everything I am
I reach out for Your hand
The hope for change
The second chance Ive gained
On You I throw my life
Casting all my fears aside
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist
Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
Im now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love
So Ill wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faiths enough
To see mountains lift and move
And Ill wait upon You now
Dedicated to Your will
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails
Friday, May 18, 2012
We are all ruined.
In one way, or another.
How do I help, what can I say or do? I can only listen, empathize. I can't offer any advice, or any answers.
Wish I was a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend, a better person, a better child of God.
How do I help, what can I say or do? I can only listen, empathize. I can't offer any advice, or any answers.
Wish I was a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend, a better person, a better child of God.
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