all messed up

Hate how I always seem to look at the pessimistic side of things. Or try to find opportunities to mess up.

But I am messed up already?

Crashed on Sunday.
I can't seem to forgive myself...

The cost, the inconvenience.. Nothing but more trouble to everything else already.
I feel like I let down my mom especially.
And I can seem to feel the blame on me by my brother, now that we have no car for a month.
But it's true, it is my fault.

If only..
So many "if only"s.

And I feel like restarting over.
I don't think my working environment or job (for now at least) is doing me any good.
I get so easily restless..

I just wait for time to pass so that the next day can come.
And when the next day comes, I can't wait for it to end so that the next day can come again.
And I just keep looking forward to the next day because the past is over and done with, and I can't seem to live with the present.
But when the future becomes present, it seems the same as the previous present, so I eagerly wait for the next future.. and then the cycle repeats.

Worst of all.. I'm starting to dream dangerous dreams.

Where's the power of the Cross in my life?